Well here we are...the day you've been waiting for! It's Wiener Wednesday and the day that I post the chapter that will conclude the exciting happening of Tuesday Wiener Night at the Holland Household.
So, I won't waste time with much chatter other than to say that I will be taking a wee break from Wiener Wednesday. I know, I know...sadness...so much sadness...but I have family obligations and Christmas is upon us. I will be back in the new year, probably on January 9th (be sure to mark it on your calendars!) to continue to bring you this ridiculous saga; a saga that I'm not convinced anyone except my daughter is reading.
I wish you all the happiest of Christmas and cheers to fantastic 2013.
Are you back from your break? Are you ready to continue reading about this very exciting Tuesday Wiener Night? Well, I hope so. I wouldn't want to think for even one second that you have drifted off and forgotten about this family and their wiener ways. So before you back out of this chapter, let's continue with the exciting Tuesday Wiener Night in the Holland Household that we were a part of in Chapter Thirteen.
"Hello honey and welcome home. I'm sorry I didn't greet you at the door. I was just so excited preparing the wieners for tonight Tuesday Wiener Night."
"Well, why wouldn't you be excited about preparing Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners for your family. It's the best night a week. "
"Yes preparing wieners on Tuesday; it is the best day for preparing wieners."
"For preparing Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners."
"Yes I had lots of fun preparing those types of wieners in the past."
"You mean you've had fun in the past preparing Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners in the past and you're continuing to have fun now preparing Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners for family. It was fun in the past and it is still fun in the present and there will be fun in the future."
"Yes it was fun preparing Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners in the past and it's really fun preparing wieners now and will continue to be fun in the future."
"Yes exactly preparing—"
"Brent honey why do we just eat the wieners that are quickly getting cold and I'm not sure how these will taste cold."
"What you talking about honey? Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners, although I feel are at their best when they are roasted to perfection, are fine at any temperature. Roasted, cold, had I even eaten them frozen in a pinch. No, nothing destroys the taste of Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners. Alright, enough chit chat; honey please pass me the tray of Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners."
"Here you go."
"Thank-you, my dear wife. Well, now...I don't mean to criticize, but it's funny; these wieners are not quite as meaty looking as Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners usually are."
"Oh no they look fine, don't they kids? Don't the wieners look fine? Tell your father that they look fine."
"Yes Daddy, we think they look fine and we are not lying."
"Okay, okay again maybe it's my cold. It is possible that my clogged sinuses are impairing my vision as well as my scent. But they have a different sort of look to them. Maybe it's just the lighting but they look a little red to me..."
"Yes maybe they do look red to you and again I think it because your eyes are red from your cold and the light is reflecting off your red eyes and is bouncing back on the wieners and making them look red."
"Perhaps you're right. All right, time to—I'm sorry but, I just cannot put aside all the weirdness that seems to have crept into our evening and just dive right on in and eat these Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners..."
"Yes, yes that's exactly you're going to dive right in and eat those wieners and they will taste great."
"That's right they will taste great, dear wife, because there's nothing that tastes better than Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners."
"You're right honey there is nothing that tastes better than these wieners."
"Okay here I go."
"I'm picking up the Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wiener honey."
"Yes, I can see that you are picking up a wiener Brent."
"And I'm going to put it in my mouth..."
"Again, I can see that..."
"It's getting closer to my mouth..."
"Yes, it is."
"And you're letting it happen."
"You're letting it happen!"
"You are! I can't believe it! You are!"
"You're going to let me eat this wiener!"
"Well, yes but...why wouldn't I? Brent, it's Tuesday Wiener Night and you love wieners!"
"That's right I do! I love wieners! I love Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners and these...these are not Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners!"
"What do you mean...honey...I—"
"No, don't 'honey 'me! Did you think I wouldn't know? Did you think that I'd not know the difference? Did you think that I would not notice that these are Surefyre Wieners?"
"What? How...that's not possible ...Brent..."
"No, don't lie my darling wife, don't lie. It only belittles us both. Just tell me the truth!"
"Mom...I told you Daddy would notice..."
"Yes, daughter... you were right."
"Ya, Mom...this isn't a lie that Dad's going to be ok with...not like the ones I tell about school. You were messing Dad's wieners! You can't do this!"
"Alright! Alright! That's enough! I confess! I confess! Brent, honey, I'm sorry! I...I...I...yes, these are Surefyre Wieners! There are you happy! I've told the ugly truth! But I...thought maybe since they were so popular that for a change, it would be ok...that maybe you wouldn't mind if for just one week we had a different kind of wiener on Tuesday Wiener Night! Plus, they were on sale and I had a coupon! I'm sorry...I should have asked—"
"Honey, wife...mother of my children...It's...please don't cry. Please...I'm....we'll find a way to work past this, but I have to ask...and please be honest with me; the coupon, was it just for a few cents off a pack of Sure—these competing wieners? Or was the coupon...two for one?"
"Um...the second one...it was two for one..."
"So that means, that means we'll be having Sure—Fyre—wieners again...later this week."
"Yes, I suppose that is what it means. You know me Brent. I don't like to throw anything away, I like to reuse and hang onto things, even when it's clear that they aren't useful anymore. Which reminds me that I wanted to talk to you about the fact that I've been thinking that perhaps it's time we thought about having a more open relationship—?"
"Honey, that's enough. I hear what you're saying. Waste is bad, hanging onto the good in life, even a relationship that has gone a bit stale, like Andre's buns when we don't close the bag properly, is extremely important to maintain a sense of order, but honey...these wieners. My god, what am I going to do?"
"Oh, Brent...I'm so sorry."
"No, don't be sorry honey. It is I who should be sorry. It is I who has to face these demons. It is I who needs to confess something."
"What, honey, what is it?"
"Against my better judgment, against all that I hold dear and honest and true. Against my steadfast belief in staying loyal to what is most meaningful in life, I want—"
"You want to have an open relationship? Because Andre—"
"What? No! I was going to say that I WANT TO TRY THESE WIENERS! There, I said it! May the devil take me and roast me over a spit and eat me with a side of his favorite wieners. I , Brent Holland, family man, devoted husband to a wife whom I need to keep a closer eye on, seller of pens that nobody wants, loyal to the almost the brink of insanity to Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners, I want to try a new kind of wiener! I want to try SUREFYRE WIENERS!"
"Oh honey...it's ok."
"Ya, Dad, I'm all for it."
"Daddy, it's really ok. A lot of people are trying Surefyre Wieners and it's ok. I heard Hal Leisure's daughter at school the other day talking to Chip of Chip's Chips son Chip Jr. and she said that even though a lot of people in Blue Sky have switched to Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners, her Dad, Hal Leisure, isn't worried. Sales are good elsewhere even if they've hit rock bottom in Blue Sky."
"Really? He's not worried? He's accepted that people are eating wieners other than his own brand?"
"Well, he's not happy about it but yes, he's confident that people will come back to Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners because he feels that Surefyre Wieners are just a super delicious fad."
"Wow, he's a...he's a hell of a man that Hal Leisure! So strong and confident with his sky blue leisure suit and his ever present winning smile..."
"Well, Daddy, remember...he's still frowning these days, but Hal Leisure's daughter was telling Chip of Chip's Chips son Chip Jr. that he's still working on getting his smile back. His frown got stuck pretty bad after Sherman Fyre's concert at Mr. Leisure's Annual Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wiener Parade followed by picnic and /or barbeque. She said nothing would turn his frown upside down. She said his frown caused a sea of unrest in the Leisure house and that her absurdly beautiful Blue Sky mother almost left him for Andre of Andre's Bakery, that fine establishment."
"She did what? But Andre said to me—"
"Honey...our daughter is talking of Hal Leisure. This isn't a time to interrupt with your talk of open relationships. Daughter, do you have more news? It sounds to me that you eavesdropped for longer than is really socially acceptable and all this news after you told me that there was no wiener talk at school."
"Well, yes I did say that, but a few minutes ago I really didn't want to get into it, but now...now that you've discovered the truth about dinner, I feel I must tell you about the happenings at school. And yes, you're right...about the eavesdropping. I did that for sure and often do because you can hear a lot when you hide in your locker instead of going to class."
"You were hiding in your locker?"
"Ya, totally! So, after Hal Leisure's daughter talked to Chip Chip's Chip son Chip Jr. Dr. Korn's son came up to her and told her that his Dad is the happiest he's been in years. "
"Why daughter? Why has he been the happiest he's been in years?"
"Well, I didn't catch everything because it was right at that moment that the shelf in my locker broke and my books all came crashing down on my head. But when I came too, I heard Dr. Korn's son say to Hal Leisure's daughter that it was all going to according to plan and then he cackled madly and left."
"Wow, that is mysterious and cryptic news! But news that we'll think on later. Right now, I've got to eat! It's time to step into a new day, a new moment in time and try a brand new wiener! Family: my lying son, my weird locker hiding daughter and my possibly adulterous wife, together let us try these Surefyre Wieners. It's not the end of Tuesday Wiener Night featuring roasted Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners and...oh ok...we're hot having Family Time French Fries either; much like the floss, they are absent from the table...As I was saying this not the end, this is the beginning; the beginning of new Tuesday Wiener Night tradition. I dub this night, Surefyre Tuesday."
And with that last speech, the Holland Family finally started eating the meal prepared for Tuesday Wiener Night. It had long gone cold, that didn't matter to Brent. While he ate, he wept hot tears which made up for the lack of heat in his food. I'm sure, since you've gotten to know Brent Holland a lot more than you probably wanted to, I'm sure you understand how hard this night, this first step into a new wiener tradition was for Brent. His loyalty to Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners was famous throughout Blue Sky.
And so while Brent Holland and his family enjoyed (and when I say enjoyed, I really mean it. This family ate those wieners with more gusto that I've witnessed in years. I think they all needed a change) their meal of roasted Surefyre Wieners, Brent prayed that no one would find out. If the people of Blue Sky found out that he was being disloyal to Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners, there may be no end of pain and suffering for him and his family.
Or is that what it meant? Perhaps changing over from Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners to Surefyre Wieners was the best thing that Brent Holland had ever done for his family.
Perhaps it was the start of even more changes for the Holland household.
But, that's for another chapter...another long chapter...if we even get back to Brent Holland and his family. I'm not 100% sure of where we'll be in a few chapters. We may wrap this thing up sooner than later...sooner if I have my say...but don't you skip ahead and find out. There is plenty of action and excitement to come your way! No, I'm not being sarcastic! Can't you feel the tension building? Can't you sense a climax on the horizon? Can't you—hey! Don't you dare read ahead to find out what happens. That's just cheating! And we've enough cheaters in this book to sink a ship so don't you go ruining the book for yourself my charging ahead! I've told you before and I'll tell you again because I'm just that annoying, that I have power! I have to power to shut this book down and if you don't behave I may do just that to teach you a—