And now the continuing storrrry of a man who's gone to the dogs...
Welcome everybody to Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners; the home of wieners so meaty that they often come with a coupon for floss. I know I said that earlier, that I already told you about the floss but I feel that it is important that I remind you again, about the floss.
So there he is, Hal Leisure, owner, founder and operating manager of Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners, walking through the front door of the company he started just over fifteen years ago. Hal has an important meeting this morning about the commercial we mentioned before but before Hal will go to his office, he will say good morning to his staff. Hal feels that it is extremely important to personally and individually greet all of those in his employ each and every morning. But we don't have time for that right now as, believe me, it would slow this narration down to almost a grinding halt. He is so attentive to his staff that he will hunt people down in order to say good morning to them. This means that if you ever work for Hal and you are not within close range of his morning hollers when he enters the building, he will notice and he will find you. Even if you are hiding out in the bathroom because you are just not in the mood for a hearty good morning from Hal, he will find you. He will wait, in the bathroom, humming tunelessly until you emerge from your stall just so you don’t forget that you are a part of the Meaty Teeth’s Leisure Wieners team. As if you could forget…but oh, where was I…yes, the morning meeting.
Instead let us just wait in Hal's office until he gets there.
Yes it is a fine office. It's not too big though, as he didn't want to seem as though he was flaunting his power to his staff members, or "Meaty Members" as he calls them. No, it's just big enough to let you know that he is the leader of the company but small enough to let you know that he still one of you. Or at least he thinks that's what the size of his office means. Some people think that is Hal trying a little too hard to keep relating to the people of this company, but that doesn't come into play right now so we'll just move on.
As you would expect in an office such as Hal Leisure's, there are a couple of walls lined with books, some of which he's actually read. There are also pictures of his family: his twin boys, his snarky, self-absorbed teenage daughter and of course many photos of his absurdly attractive, Blue Sky wife. Curiously though, there are only pictures of his immediate family. If Hal has parents, which one can only assume that he does, there is no evidence of them in his office. If he has siblings, again they are oddly absent from the display of framed family happiness that stares, a little uncomfortably if I might add, at everybody from the bookshelves when they come into Hal's office.
Also in Hal's office this morning, trying to avoid the intense gaze of the pictures of framed family happiness are real people. Hal's receptionist Florence, has already invited them to take a seat and wait for Hal because she is fully aware that he will be a while hunting down employees to say good morning to. Somebody really ought to tell that man that it's a bit counterproductive to call a meeting fairly early and then be late for it. Somebody should really let him know that those in his employ at Meaty Teeth’s Leisure Wieners would still feel a part of the Meaty Team if Hal sent out a good morning email instead of lurking in bathrooms and dark hallways in order to greet them. However, when you run a company as successful as Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners I suppose you can do whatever you want. When you are as important as Hal Leisure, people will wait for you while they are being glared at by his framed family happiness photos.
But here he comes now. The waiting is over which means it's my turn to bow out and let this scene unfold.
"Good morning everyone."
"Good Morning Mr. Leisure."
"And how are we all today?"
"As Spokesman for the Group I'd like to say that we are all doing fine and we anxiously await your opinion on how we should run today's commercial shoot."
"Excellent. Why waste any more time with greetings."
"They're not waste Sir, but we do have a busy day ahead of us so why don't you tell us how you see the next big Meaty Teeth’s Leisure Wiener commercial."
"Yes indeed, I’ll tell you. I've been thinking a great deal about how I feel this commercial should look, as is not just about the wieners this time around, is it?"
"No Mr. Leisure. As Spokesman for the Group I'd like to say that today's commercial will be extra special."
"That's right, it is extra special. It is a day that I've been looking forward to for quite some time now. This commercial will not only showcase our deliciously meaty wieners they will also showcase our –"
"Family Time French Fries."
"Oh, I didn’t see you there, lurking in the back corner of my office, out of sight of the piercing, but loving gaze of my framed family happiness display. Yes that's right Mr.… I'm afraid I don't know who you are. You are not the designated spokesmen for this group and therefore I am quite surprised that you have taken it upon yourself to finish my sentence. Spokesman for the Group, could you fill me in as to who this dapper stranger in a, may I say, a fairly fine red suit is?"
"Mr. Leisure, as Spokesman for the Group I do sincerely wish I had an answer for you; an answer that would be satisfactory and give you the information that you are looking for but, even as Spokesman for the Group I have not the answer. This man is as much a stranger to me as he appears to be to you. I of course noticed him when Florence led us into your office, but as he was already here when we entered I assumed that you knew who he was and therefore just accepted him as part of our morning meeting. As Spokesman for the Group I apologize for my oversight and lack of knowledge as to this dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit."
"It is quite all right Spokesman for the Group. I don't expect you to know everything, even though a heads-up about this dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit would have put me at an advantage instead of the disadvantage I find myself in now. However, let us not keep ourselves in suspense anymore. Dapper stranger in your fairly fine red suit, who are you and what are you doing in my office?"
"Well Mr. Leisure, I am but a simple Investor. A man who not only has this fairly fine red suit but also has a fairly large pile of money that has no purpose in life. I had hoped to give my fairly large pile of money a dream to be a part of, and since your company is so successful and I know that you have so many dreams beyond wieners, I could hear my money speak to me of your dreams, and now my fairly large pile of money wishes to be a part of your dreams and help your dreams become a reality."
"Well, that is a goal that is not too lofty. We are always looking for investors who believe that Meaty Teeth’s Leisure Wieners and our dreams are worthy of being a part of. We invite you and your fairly fine red suit and your fairly large pile of money to take a seat and listen in on our meeting. Before you decide 100% that your money belongs in our dreams I would like you to see the way we work as a team. It is important that everyone here gets along. We really like money, especially when it comes in fairly large piles, but we like friendship and teams more. Am I right meeting members?"
"Oh yes, Mr. Leisure. As Spokesman for the Group I would say wholeheartedly that we agree that friendship and being a part of a team are more enjoyable than money."
"Are you sure about that Spokesman for the Group? Your statement sounds contrived and it's not entirely convincing...You're not just saying what you think I want to hear or saying that you agree with me because you are trying to give the dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit that impression that we are all at team and that his fairly large pile of money would be a welcome partner to our wiener dreams? Are you sure Spokesman for the Group?"
"No Mr. Leisure, I assure you that I'm on board with the whole friendship and being a part of a team are more important than money. However, I can't deny that I like money. Money pays for my food. Money pays for my clothes. Money pays for the subscription to my favorite magazine 'Wiener Weekly", that you urged us all to purchase at our own expense. Money also pays for my one bedroom apartment, or well, my one room in that old, run down house at the edge of town; the house run by that elderly spinster who smells like bovril and cabbage; the place that offers the only accommodation I can afford because my wife left me; left me because she thought I worked too much and cared more about Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners than her. And how she sits her in new house, in the good part of town with her new husband and she spends all my money on accessories for her nine tiny, whiney poodles."
"Spokesman for the group, I think you've drifted from the point you were trying to make... "
"Yes, you are right. I apologize Mr. Leisure. As Spokesman for the Group I think we can all agree that money, while it may not buy you friendship, it certainly keeps the wolves away from the door. I don't like wolves. I want to keep them away from my door. However, they are getting closer. I feel them drawing nearer every day. I think perhaps if I had a little more money that they'll run away screaming and maybe I could see my children again. I'm sorry Mr. Leisure. I feel like I'm drifting and I am not giving you the answer that you believe is the right one I –"
"Calm yourself Spokesman for the Group. As I said earlier, I don't need you to say things that you think I want to hear. I know what you're saying. Money can't buy you friendship but it does keep the wolves away from the door am I right? I believe that's what you're saying."
"Well yes Mr. Leisure that's exactly what I said."
"Good then I'm glad we agree."
"Yes Mr. Leisure."
"Alright enough jibber jabber, let us get back to our dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit. And his, may I be so bold, Sir, and say abundantly lush mustache."
"My mustache Mr. Leisure?"
"Yes it's very fine; almost as fine as your suit."
"Oh I wouldn't say it's fake..."
"I didn't say it was fake. I said it was almost as fine as your suit. Did I say fake, Spokesman of the Group?"
"No Sir, Mr. Leisure, not that I can recall but if I may be so bold I'd like to agree with you about how wonderfully lush this dapper stranger in the fairly fine red suit's mustache is."
"I said it's abundantly lush not wonderfully lush. There's a pretty big difference."
"How is it different Sir? As Spokesman for the Group, how would you say that abundantly lush and wonderfully lush are different?"
"Well abundantly lush means something along the lines of plenty of or a lot of. Whereas wonderfully lush would imply that the mustache itself inspires wonder. I don't see how this mustache inspires wonder. Grant you, it is fine mustache and a bit of a wonder to behold. Look at it! It barely fits on his face there is so much of it. It's almost as if his face grew around the mustache. It almost looks as if the mustache came first into space and his face still hasn't caught up with the mustache; therefore this stranger in the fairly fine red suit has a mustache of lush abundance."
"Yes sir, I see what you mean and as Spokesman for the Group I think we can all agree that there is some logic in what you have said. But having said what you said it causes me to feel even more wonder at the mustache. For if this dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit is more mustache than man I believe that it is something to wonder about and therefore the mustache is wonderfully lush. However this is just my opinion and as Spokesman for the Group I hope that my opinion has not offended you and your grand view that this dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit has been abundantly lush mustache."
"Spokesman for the Group you need not worry about speaking your opinion freely in my office. I believe it is very important for people to not hide things from each other. If we were to not share our opinions openly about this mustache, this abundantly lush or even wonderfully lush mustache, it could put up walls between us and prevent us from a friendly working relationship which in turn could cause our wieners stock to droop. Nobody wants our wieners to droop, am I right?"
"Yes Mr. Leisure, of course you are right."
"Of course I am right. Now getting back to the dapper stranger in his fairly fine suit – hey wait a minute where did he go? Did anyone see him leave?"
"No Sir, as Spokesman for the group, I have to say that unfortunately, none of us saw him leave."
"How odd...you think one of us would have noticed. I will wonder for a better part of the day about that dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit, I will ponder about who he is and will he and his abundantly lush, with a touch of wonder, mustache return to us with his fairly large pile of money. That being said...I can't help shake the feeling that...he's actually not a stranger. I feel like I've seen this stranger in his fairly fine red suit before...but, that will be for later. Now, Spokesman for the Group , where are we in regards to my thoughts about the next big commercial for Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners and our brand new Family Time French Fries?"
Well, now...why don't we leave Hal Leisure and his Meaty Teeth Team to iron out the details of their next big commercial? But oh dear where did that red suited man go I wonder? Or I abundant?
I was the only one who noticed that the dapper stranger went right out that door once they started going on and on about his mustache. He seemed rather uncomfortable to be wearing that mustache.
That's right I did say wearing that mustache.
It was a fake mustache and probably the worst fake mustache that I've ever seen. The man had glue dripping down the side of his face and nobody noticed. The man had dark brown hair and his mustache was very, very reddish blonde and yet nobody noticed that it was obviously out of place. I don't mean to speak ill of Hal Leisure but I feel that I have to let you know that as great a man is Hal is, he's not the most observant of men.
Well I think we've wasted enough time on this meeting that still hasn't accomplished its goal which was supposed to be about the commercial and not about that dapper stranger in the fairly fine red suit mustache. So instead of going back and listening to what will no doubt be a long conversation about this afternoon's commercial suit for Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners and their brand new Family Time French Fries, I think will just cut to the chase,
And by that I mean to the end of the working day. I'll see you in Chapter Four.