And now the continuing storrrry of a man who's gone to the dogs...
Chapter Three
Welcome everybody to Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners; the home
of wieners so meaty that they often come with a coupon for floss. I know I said
that earlier, that I already told you about the floss but I feel that it is important
that I remind you again, about the floss.
So there he is, Hal Leisure, owner, founder and operating
manager of Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners, walking through the front door of the
company he started just over fifteen years ago. Hal has an important meeting
this morning about the commercial we mentioned before but before Hal will go to
his office, he will say good morning to his staff. Hal feels that it is
extremely important to personally and individually greet all of those in his
employ each and every morning. But we
don't have time for that right now as, believe me, it would slow this narration
down to almost a grinding halt. He is so attentive to his staff that he will
hunt people down in order to say good morning to them. This means that if you
ever work for Hal and you are not within close range of his morning hollers
when he enters the building, he will notice and he will find you. Even if you
are hiding out in the bathroom because you are just not in the mood for a
hearty good morning from Hal, he will find you.
He will wait, in the bathroom, humming tunelessly until you emerge from
your stall just so you don’t forget that you are a part of the Meaty Teeth’s
Leisure Wieners team. As if you could
forget…but oh, where was I…yes, the morning meeting.
Instead let us just wait in Hal's office until he gets
there.
Yes it is a fine office. It's not too big though, as he
didn't want to seem as though he was flaunting his power to his staff members, or
"Meaty Members" as he calls them. No, it's just big enough to let you
know that he is the leader of the company but small enough to let you know that
he still one of you. Or at least he thinks that's what the size of his office
means. Some people think that is Hal trying a little too hard to keep relating
to the people of this company, but that doesn't come into play right now so
we'll just move on.
As you would expect in an office such as Hal Leisure's,
there are a couple of walls lined with books, some of which he's actually read.
There are also pictures of his family: his twin boys, his snarky, self-absorbed
teenage daughter and of course many photos of his absurdly attractive, Blue Sky
wife. Curiously though, there are only
pictures of his immediate family. If Hal has parents, which one can only assume
that he does, there is no evidence of them in his office. If he has siblings,
again they are oddly absent from the display of framed family happiness that
stares, a little uncomfortably if I might add, at everybody from the
bookshelves when they come into Hal's office.
Also in Hal's office this morning, trying to avoid the
intense gaze of the pictures of framed family happiness are real people. Hal's
receptionist Florence, has already invited them to take a seat and wait for Hal
because she is fully aware that he will be a while hunting down employees to
say good morning to. Somebody really ought to tell that man that it's a bit
counterproductive to call a meeting fairly early and then be late for it.
Somebody should really let him know that those in his employ at Meaty Teeth’s
Leisure Wieners would still feel a part of the Meaty Team if Hal sent out a
good morning email instead of lurking in
bathrooms and dark hallways in order to greet them. However, when you run a company as successful
as Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners I suppose you can do whatever you want. When
you are as important as Hal Leisure, people will wait for you while they are
being glared at by his framed family happiness photos.
But here he comes now. The waiting is over which means it's my
turn to bow out and let this scene unfold.
"Good morning everyone."
"Good Morning Mr. Leisure."
"And how are we all today?"
"As Spokesman for the Group I'd like to say that we are
all doing fine and we anxiously await your opinion on how we should run today's
commercial shoot."
"Excellent. Why waste any more time with
greetings."
"They're not waste Sir, but we do have a busy day ahead
of us so why don't you tell us how you see the next big Meaty Teeth’s Leisure
Wiener commercial."
"Yes indeed, I’ll tell you. I've been thinking a great
deal about how I feel this commercial should look, as is not just about the
wieners this time around, is it?"
"No Mr. Leisure. As Spokesman for the Group I'd like to
say that today's commercial will be extra special."
"That's right, it is extra special. It is a day that
I've been looking forward to for quite some time now. This commercial will not
only showcase our deliciously meaty wieners they will also showcase our –"
"Family Time French Fries."
"Oh, I didn’t see you there, lurking in the back corner
of my office, out of sight of the piercing, but loving gaze of my framed family
happiness display. Yes that's right Mr.… I'm afraid I don't know who you are.
You are not the designated spokesmen for this group and therefore I am quite
surprised that you have taken it upon yourself to finish my sentence. Spokesman for the Group, could you fill me in
as to who this dapper stranger in a, may I say, a fairly fine red suit
is?"
"Mr. Leisure, as Spokesman for the Group I do sincerely
wish I had an answer for you; an answer that would be satisfactory and give you
the information that you are looking for but, even as Spokesman for the Group I
have not the answer. This man is as much a stranger to me as he appears to be
to you. I of course noticed him when Florence led us into your office, but as
he was already here when we entered I assumed that you knew who he was and
therefore just accepted him as part of our morning meeting. As Spokesman for
the Group I apologize for my oversight and lack of knowledge as to this dapper
stranger in his fairly fine red suit."
"It is quite all right Spokesman for the Group. I don't
expect you to know everything, even though a heads-up about this dapper
stranger in his fairly fine red suit would have put me at an advantage instead
of the disadvantage I find myself in now. However, let us not keep ourselves in
suspense anymore. Dapper stranger in your fairly fine red suit, who are you and
what are you doing in my office?"
"Well Mr. Leisure, I am but a simple Investor. A man
who not only has this fairly fine red suit but also has a fairly large pile of
money that has no purpose in life. I had hoped to give my fairly large pile of
money a dream to be a part of, and since your company is so successful and I
know that you have so many dreams beyond wieners, I could hear my money speak
to me of your dreams, and now my fairly large pile of money wishes to be a part
of your dreams and help your dreams become a reality."
"Well, that is a goal that is not too lofty. We are
always looking for investors who believe that Meaty Teeth’s Leisure Wieners and
our dreams are worthy of being a part of. We invite you and your fairly fine
red suit and your fairly large pile of money to take a seat and listen in on
our meeting. Before you decide 100% that your money belongs in our dreams I
would like you to see the way we work as a team. It is important that everyone
here gets along. We really like money, especially when it comes in fairly large
piles, but we like friendship and teams more. Am I right meeting members?"
"Oh yes, Mr. Leisure. As Spokesman for the Group I
would say wholeheartedly that we agree that friendship and being a part of a
team are more enjoyable than money."
"Are you sure about that Spokesman for the Group? Your
statement sounds contrived and it's not entirely convincing...You're not just
saying what you think I want to hear or saying that you agree with me because
you are trying to give the dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit that
impression that we are all at team and that his fairly large pile of money
would be a welcome partner to our wiener dreams? Are you sure Spokesman for the
Group?"
"No Mr. Leisure, I assure you that I'm on board with
the whole friendship and being a part of a team are more important than money.
However, I can't deny that I like money. Money pays for my food. Money pays for
my clothes. Money pays for the subscription to my favorite magazine 'Wiener
Weekly", that you urged us all to purchase at our own expense. Money also
pays for my one bedroom apartment, or well, my one room in that old, run down
house at the edge of town; the house run by that elderly spinster who smells
like bovril and cabbage; the place that offers the only accommodation I can
afford because my wife left me; left me because she thought I worked too much
and cared more about Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners than her. And how she sits
her in new house, in the good part of town with her new husband and she spends
all my money on accessories for her nine tiny, whiney poodles."
"Spokesman for the group, I think you've drifted from
the point you were trying to make... "
"Yes, you are right. I apologize Mr. Leisure. As Spokesman
for the Group I think we can all agree that money, while it may not buy you
friendship, it certainly keeps the wolves away from the door. I don't like
wolves. I want to keep them away from my door. However, they are getting
closer. I feel them drawing nearer every day. I think perhaps if I had a little
more money that they'll run away screaming and maybe I could see my children
again. I'm sorry Mr. Leisure. I feel like I'm drifting and I am not giving you
the answer that you believe is the right one I –"
"Calm yourself Spokesman for the Group. As I said
earlier, I don't need you to say things that you think I want to hear. I know
what you're saying. Money can't buy you friendship but it does keep the wolves
away from the door am I right? I believe that's what you're saying."
"Well yes Mr. Leisure that's exactly what I said."
"Good then I'm glad we agree."
"Yes Mr. Leisure."
"Alright enough jibber jabber, let us get back to our
dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit. And his, may I be so bold, Sir,
and say abundantly lush mustache."
"My mustache Mr. Leisure?"
"Yes it's very fine; almost as fine as your suit."
"Oh I wouldn't say it's fake..."
"I didn't say it was fake. I said it was almost as fine
as your suit. Did I say fake, Spokesman of the Group?"
"No Sir, Mr. Leisure, not that I can recall but if I
may be so bold I'd like to agree with you about how wonderfully lush this dapper
stranger in the fairly fine red suit's mustache is."
"I said it's abundantly lush not wonderfully lush.
There's a pretty big difference."
"How is it different Sir? As Spokesman for the Group,
how would you say that abundantly lush and wonderfully lush are
different?"
"Well abundantly lush means something along the lines
of plenty of or a lot of. Whereas wonderfully lush would imply that the
mustache itself inspires wonder. I don't see how this mustache inspires wonder.
Grant you, it is fine mustache and a bit of a wonder to behold. Look at it! It
barely fits on his face there is so much of it. It's almost as if his face grew
around the mustache. It almost looks as if the mustache came first into space and
his face still hasn't caught up with the mustache; therefore this stranger in
the fairly fine red suit has a mustache of lush abundance."
"Yes sir, I see what you mean and as Spokesman for the
Group I think we can all agree that there is some logic in what you have said.
But having said what you said it causes me to feel even more wonder at the
mustache. For if this dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit is more
mustache than man I believe that it is something to wonder about and therefore
the mustache is wonderfully lush. However this is just my opinion and as Spokesman
for the Group I hope that my opinion has not offended you and your grand view
that this dapper stranger in his fairly fine red suit has been abundantly lush
mustache."
"Spokesman for the Group you need not worry about
speaking your opinion freely in my office. I believe it is very important for
people to not hide things from each other. If we were to not share our opinions
openly about this mustache, this abundantly lush or even wonderfully lush
mustache, it could put up walls between us and prevent us from a friendly
working relationship which in turn could cause our wieners stock to droop.
Nobody wants our wieners to droop, am I right?"
"Yes Mr. Leisure, of course you are right."
"Of course I am right. Now getting back to the dapper
stranger in his fairly fine suit – hey wait a minute where did he go? Did
anyone see him leave?"
"No Sir, as Spokesman for the group, I have to say that
unfortunately, none of us saw him leave."
"How odd...you think one of us would have noticed. I
will wonder for a better part of the day about that dapper stranger in his
fairly fine red suit, I will ponder about who he is and will he and his
abundantly lush, with a touch of wonder, mustache return to us with his fairly
large pile of money. That being said...I can't help shake the feeling
that...he's actually not a stranger. I feel like I've seen this stranger in his
fairly fine red suit before...but, that will be for later. Now, Spokesman for
the Group , where are we in regards to my thoughts about the next big
commercial for Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners and our brand new Family Time
French Fries?"
Well, now...why don't we leave Hal Leisure and his Meaty
Teeth Team to iron out the details of their next big commercial? But oh dear
where did that red suited man go I wonder? Or I abundant?
I was the only one who noticed that the dapper stranger went
right out that door once they started going on and on about his mustache. He
seemed rather uncomfortable to be wearing that mustache.
That's right I did say wearing that mustache.
It was a fake mustache and probably the worst fake mustache
that I've ever seen. The man had glue dripping down the side of his face and
nobody noticed. The man had dark brown hair and his mustache was very, very
reddish blonde and yet nobody noticed that it was obviously out of place. I
don't mean to speak ill of Hal Leisure but I feel that I have to let you know
that as great a man is Hal is, he's not the most observant of men.
Well I think we've wasted enough time on this meeting that still
hasn't accomplished its goal which was supposed to be about the commercial and
not about that dapper stranger in the fairly fine red suit mustache. So instead
of going back and listening to what will no doubt be a long conversation about
this afternoon's commercial suit for Meaty Teeth's Leisure Wieners and their
brand new Family Time French Fries, I
think will just cut to the chase,
And by that I mean to the end of the working day. I'll see
you in Chapter Four.
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